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Janelle Villapando has been swiping left and right for years and in that time, she's noticed a few patterns among the men she meets

As a transgender woman, my relationship with online dating is complicated to say the least.

With my accounts on OkCupid, Tinder, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel and ChristianMingle, I am subjected to the same kind of messages from Mr. Washboard-Abs-No-Face and unsolicited dick pics that most women, unfortunately, receive. But searching for Mr. Right as a transgender woman (I was born male, but identify and present as female) adds a whole new dimension to digital dating.

Since transitioning in 2014, I haven’t reacted positively to guys who hit on me in person because I haven’t mastered the art of telling them that we have “the same parts.” For the past three years, Tinder has been my gateway into online dating as a transgender woman.

As a 22-year-old grad starting a career in fashion (and hopefully, one day, my own size-inclusive clothing line), I am drawn to guys who are funny and ambitious. There’s no bigger turn-off than someone who does the bare minimum—except maybe body odour. In terms of looks, I prefer taller guys. Being 5’9″, I still like to be able to look up to my man, literally. So, whenever I see 6’2″ or taller on a guy’s profile, it’s almost an automatic right swipe.

(Photo courtesy of Janelle Villapando)

As a trans woman on dating apps, I’ve always made sure that guys are aware that I am transgender. This avoids wasting each other’s time. There have also been many documented cases of trans women being hurt and sometimes even killed when they disclose their status to transphobic men that found them attractive, so being completely transparent is also a way of protecting myself from potentially dangerous situations.

As I click, message and swipe through the world of online dating, I’ve quickly learned that there are at least three different types of guys: those who fetishize trans women, those who are curious but cautious, and those who simply don’t read. Unfortunately, these labels don’t appear on their profiles.

The guy who sees me as a fetish

I usually get very forward messages from guys who just want me for my body. They view me as exotic, a kink, something new to try.

These guys want to chill somewhere less public or exclusively at their place so they won’t be seen with me. I have actually “dated” (if you can even call it that) some of these men, including one guy who checked his apartment’s hallway to make sure his neighbours wouldn’t see me leave his place. Another guy made sure even his social media presence wasn’t linked to mine. He lied about not having an Instagram account, then when I “came across it” and liked one of his pictures in spite, he blocked me.

With these kind of guys, I’ve felt like I was their dirty little secret, and at first, I thought this type of interaction was the closest thing to a relationship I was going to have as a trans woman. But I finally reached my limit when one of my dates bumped into someone he knew when we were together. Despite the fact that we were on our third date, he didn’t even acknowledge my existence as I stood there a couple feet from him while he talked to his friend. His silence told me exactly how much I meant to him. After realizing that I deserved so much better and was wasting my time with these guys, I stopped giving them attention.

The guy who can’t handle that I am trans

After one too many encounters with men who were fetishizing me, I started to spend time on guys who actually wanted to get to know me. These are men who find me attractive, but are initially hesitant because of my trans-ness. With these men, I went on dates in public at the movies, or a chill restaurant, and I was viewed as more than a new sexual experience—but I don’t think I was seen as potential relationship material either. One guy in particular seemed to really like me. We vibed well and there was sexual tension building during our dates. Then poof, he was gone. After a month, he reached out to me saying he couldn’t be with me because I am transgender. He was concerned about how his sexuality would “change.”

I had another similar experience on a first date where a man greeted me, hugged me, then said he left something in his car. After a couple of minutes, I got a text from him while waiting alone at our table that said he had to leave because my transgender status was giving him anxiety. After that, I stopped chasing guys who were too concerned about their feelings to even think about mine. Red flags like continually postponing dates and constantly asking, “When are you getting the surgery?” helped me whittle down the number of guys I talked to by half.

The guy who ignores the (not-so) fine print

Thanks to Tinder, profile pictures say more than a thousand words—and actual words seem to be irrelevant on our profiles. While most people only consider the profile pic before swiping right or left, for me, the text on my profile is crucial. Even since Tinder introduced more genders to choose from than just the binary male and female, it doesn’t show your gender on the swiping screen. I get plenty of matches on Tinder, but within 24 hours around half of them un-match or block me after reading my profile. Whenever I do start talking to guys who “stick around,” I make sure that they know I am transgender before meeting them.

(Screenshot courtesy of Janelle Villapando)

However, I recently went on a date with a guy who was tall, handsome, funny and had his shit (relatively) together. We met in the late afternoon and enjoyed our frozen yogurt in perfect patio weather. It was going really well! At the end of the date, our first kiss quickly turned into a handsy makeout session in the backseat of my car. Before it went further, I did my routine check of asking, “You know I’m transgender right?” expecting he was going to say yes and carry on. Instead, he looked at me with a blank face.

He started yelling that I never told him. I responded saying it was all over my OkCupid profile, which it turns out he never read. He said, “I’m bouncing; that’s f-cked up,” and jumped out of the car, spat on the ground, slammed the car door and walked away. I sat in the back seat of my car in complete shock.

In that moment, I was mostly concerned about my safety. I stayed in my back seat for probably five minutes to make sure he was gone. When I got back into the front seat to drive home, I still felt uneasy. What if he’s still around? What if he’s going to try to hurt me?

I touched up my makeup, reapplied my lipstick and put the car in drive. Once I got out of the area I started processing what had happened. I knew that it was all going too well for him to even be interested in me. Until that awkward moment, I thought, “Is this how easy dating could be if I were a cisgender woman?” I had gone from the girl that my date was kissing to someone he found disgusting all because of a single word: transgender.

Relationship status: single, but cautious

Not all guys I’ve talked to fall into these three categories. I’ve gone on dates with guys who seem to be genuinely into me and are accepting of my trans identity, but there’s no magical combination of spark, chemistry and attraction.

I seem to only be attracted to guys who are no good for me—and I know that I’m not the only woman, trans or not, who feels that way. Since that incident with the guy in my car, I’ve slowed down my activity on dating apps. I thought about deleting all my dating apps, but it’s still my main way of meeting guys. Plus, what if the perfect guy slides into my DM, right? I haven’t lost hope, and my friends continue to encourage me. If I had a dime for every time someone said that I’ll find love when I least expect it, I’d be driving a hot pink Bugatti right now (all white interior, please). If that’s truly the case, I hope he’s 6’4″ and messages me with a cheesy pick-up line.

This article was originally published on August 16, 2017.

Related:

The First Time I Had Sex in My Correct Gender
What It’s Really Like to Be Young and Transgender in Canada
Yes, Men Get Paid More than Women…But What About Trans Women?

Online dating — especially during the COVID-19 pandemic — has its own challenges. However, it can be much more difficult for transgender people who want to find a relationship.

Tinder is still one of the top dating apps worldwide, especially for young adults with over 50% of the users being between the ages 18-29 according to a report by SurveyMonkey Intelligence.

Despite its popularity, there are some elements that pose a challenge for trans people trying to use Tinder, especially if they are searching for a long-term relationship.

Trans Dating Tinder Photos

In this article, we will review some of Tinder’s current features and talk about the difficulties that trans people face as they navigate the world of online dating.

Table of Contents

Does Tinder work for trans people?

To answer this question, let’s take a look at some key features of the app:

• Tinder’s layout – Most dating apps have a layout that makes each user’s photo the main object of their profile, and that is especially true for Tinder. The profile photos use the majority of your phone’s screen space and only includes a portion of the potential extra information of that user’s profile at the bottom of the photo. If someone has more than a few lines of text written to explain more about themselves, it will not be visible unless you click on that user’s photo to see the rest of their profile.

Why is this a problem?

It may not be an issue for every person using Tinder, but it can be limiting for trans people.

If a trans person wished to share more information about themselves in advance on their profile, there is a chance that it may be easily missed if other users do not click on their photo to see the extra information.

With limited information being displayed up front, there is a chance of miscommunication or disappointment if the other user had swiped and matched with the trans person without seeing the additional information.

• Gender and sexuality label options – A feature that Tinder has gradually yet continuously improved on is their ‘I Am’ and ‘Sexual Orientation’ options. The ‘I Am’ option is the place for a user to not only select but also have the option of displaying their gender identity on their profile.
  Besides ‘man’ and ‘woman’, you now have the option to select ‘more’ and type in your own identity to display on your profile.
  Other than trans people being able to express their identity, anyone can now write the identity that fits them best rather than being forced to choose from a pre-determined list.

• No messages without a match – As anyone that uses Tinder is aware, users cannot send messages unless they have matched with each other.
  The positive thing about this feature for trans people is it can drastically reduce the amount of bullying and microaggressions that they may experience elsewhere. However, on the flip side matching with someone does not mean a person will never experience hateful messages.

Besides some concerns about the layout of the app, Tinder appears to have been making an effort to improve in other ways. The ‘I Am’ gender identity option is one of the most significant updates that allows users to showcase their identity no matter what that may be.
In general, Tinder is a solid choice that can be used by trans people, but one thing to keep in mind is that the app has a diverse userbase with varying preferences and opinions.

Online dating as a trans person is difficult

Trying to date as a trans person comes with its own set of challenges.

As mentioned above, one issue that trans people struggle with is bullying and microaggressions. Even if a match is made on an app such as Tinder, it may not be a genuine match and the person on the other end may have used their profile simply to attack others.
Even though a ‘match before messaging’ mechanic exists on most dating apps, the true nature of others does not appear until those first few messages.

Another challenge that trans people face with online dating how much focus is placed on both photos and first impressions.

Unfortunately, people can be biased when it comes to what they want their partner to look like. Trans people often exist outside of the cis-gender presentation that other people may expect, which can immediately deter others from swiping on their profile.

Simply the fact alone that someone is trans and perhaps does not look cis can cause a trans person to lose potential matches.

This causes many gender-diverse people to question whether they should even disclose their identity on their dating profile; or whether to tell their potential match about it at all.

When you browse through hundreds of profiles, it’s difficult to get a truly accurate impression of someone. It’s not currently possible to list every single hobby, interest, favourite music artist, etc. on a dating profile, so how can you know if you may be compatible with someone with such minimal information until messages can be exchanged?

It’s these types of limitations with sharing information that can also contribute to trans people losing potential matches.

Besides the bias some people have against dating a trans person, there can also be potential issues with microaggressions even if someone is interested in dating them.

Questions that trans people hear a lot, such as “have you had XYZ surgery” or “you’re pretty for a trans girl” can be traumatic even if the other person believes they have good intentions.

These types of questions are considered to be microaggressions and should be avoided, especially when first meeting a trans person. Willingness to learn is valued, but people need to ask for permission to ask personal questions and try their best to ask them in the most respectful way possible.

Safe online dating spaces are needed

With online dating becoming commonplace for people looking for anything from hookups to long-term relationships, there needs to be more considerations for people that exist outside of cis-gender and heteronormative boxes.

Apps like Tinder have been improving over the years in an effort to become more inclusive, but more work still needs to be done.

One of the most effective ways to boost awareness is through education and exposure. Especially in recent years, more celebrities have come out as transgender which will continue to help the community receive the recognition it deserves.

Elliot Page has recently brought more visibility to the trans community when he came out as a trans man in December 2020. With his public coming out announcement and his decision to not medically transition, his journey is helping to shed some much-needed light on the trans community.

Despite more visible people such as celebrities participating in education and activism, in the meantime there needs to be more safe spaces for trans people.

There are many dating apps out there, but there has yet to be a truly safe one for trans people.

MyTransgenderCupid claims to be dedicated to trans people looking for relationships, but it has become infamous for being an epicenter for people specifically looking for and fetishizing trans people. Grindr – a dating app catering to gay men – tends to dismiss trans men and focuses more on cis-gender people.

Trans Dating Tinder Page

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Alternatives to Tinder

Even though more work needs to be done to create a true safe online dating space for trans people, what other options that are similar to Tinder are there?

• Bumble – This app has mechanics that are very similar to Tinder such as displaying a large profile photo with minimal up-front information until you scroll further down.
  A feature that also similar to Tinder is their gender identity options. Not only does Bumble have a long list of pre-made identities ranging from non-binary to two-spirit, but at the bottom of the list it also gives you an option to write your own identity.
  One thing that appears to be unique to Bumble is their messaging system. For a heterosexual match, women are the only ones that have ‘First Move’ privileges to message a man they have matched with. However, for other matches, both parties have the option to make the first move.

• OkCupid – Although this may not be the first app that many people think of, it has interesting features that deserves a spot on this list.
  To start, OkCupid was the first large dating app to have an option for users to display their pronouns and now offers 22 gender options and 20 sexual orientation options.
  One of the most interesting features for trans people on OkCupid is an option to answer some gender and sexuality questions to appear on your profile. Some examples include, “when did you come out?” and “are gender and sexuality labels important to you?”.

Bumble and OkCupid still have areas of improvement, but both apps are popular and have similar features to Tinder. For now, trans people should be cautious about using dating apps such as MyTransgenderCupid that claim to cater specifically to trans people because it tends to attract people that fetishize the community.

More awareness and education need to be done to help create safe online dating spaces for trans people, but there appears to be continuous improvement on apps such as Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid even if it may be slower than we would like to see.

Notes from the author

“Thank you for reading! My name is Felix, and I am a trans man who wrote this article. Based on my experience using dating apps (usually Tinder), I do wish there could be other features added such as perhaps a more visible label or badge to display pronouns and gender identity as well as the ability to answer questions and display them similar to OkCupid.

I also found an interesting suggestion, but it would ultimately depend on the general population becoming more inclusive and educated about trans people. The suggestion was for people to state in their profile if they are open to dating trans people. There is also now a trans flag emoji that can be put to good use!

Black Trans Dating

Personally, I have not experienced many microaggressions or hateful comments, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. It’s important to continue learning from each other so we can build a better world together.“

I’m Felix (he/him). I’m a 26-year-old queer transgender man who currently resides in the temperate city of Victoria, British Columbia, Canada after escaping the northern ‘Cariboo’ region. Felix received a Bachelor of Arts degree with a major in Pacific and Asian Studies from the University of Victoria in 2017 and has worked towards building a freelancing career for himself ever since.

After all, the student loans need to at least feel worth it, right?

Despite working as a barista by day, Felix is determined to make a name for himself as an author while simultaneously sharing his passions by night.

Some subjects he is passionate writing about include the LGBTQ2IA+ community, social justice issues, history, and culture. One of Felix’s life goals is to write at least one book in his lifetime, although finding the motivation to write a series rather than a single book would be welcomed with open arms.

A few previous career ideas included an archaeologist or lawyer, but Felix soon discovered neither of those paths would be quite right for him. Despite his love of history, the majority of his existence is spent inside, shielded safely away from the elements. That kind of luxury is not possible for an archaeologist. On the other hand, Felix may be passionate about social justice issues, but his inability to separate emotion from debate could potentially spell disaster as a lawyer in court.

Beyond his writing passions, Felix’s other interests include:

• Being awake at ungodly hours of the night.
• Scrolling through TikTok that he has become unironically addicted to since the beginning of the COVD-19 pandemic.
• Trying to stop his roommate’s cat from attacking his ankles.
• Telling himself that he needs to finish playing The Witcher 3 game.

Out of those four, TikTok has occupied most of his free time.

As someone that has first-hand experience with some of the issues that transgender people face on a daily basis, Felix strives to write the most accurate, inclusive, and informative articles for Datingroo. The first article he has written is titled, “Tinder for Trans People: Is It a Safe Space?”.

That article was surprisingly relatable for him to write as Felix has some experience with using Tinder and Bumble in his quest to find a long-term partner. Unfortunately, he is still searching for ‘the one’, but nonetheless he was excited to bring his experience to the table and discuss the pros and cons of using Tinder as a transgender person.

Trans Dating Tinder Pictures

He believes that education and exposure are some of the most important ways to spread awareness not only about the LGBTQ2IA+ community, but any other social issue that arises. He may not be a politician or a lawyer, but writing can be another effective way to inspire change from all corners of the globe.

Trans Dating Free

In an increasingly digital age, ideas can spread around the world in seconds. Depending on the issue at hand, a movement could potentially stir up worldwide support from information that has been accessed and spread online. That said, the possibility to be able to inspire change motivates Felix to continue writing about what’s most important to him.